On Fridays a bunch of brave writers gather here to all spend 5 collective minutes writing on a single prompt. It’s a great way to catch your breath at the end of a long week. This blessed, beautiful place where we open our hearts and let words and tears and the inner workings of our lives bleed and flow and dance across the virtual pages. Yes, this community opens wide and invites you in to share. Come and visit and read. You will be blessed.This week: When
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This conversation happened this morning in our house …
My husband: You’re so beautiful.
Me: (with heavy disbelief and sarcasm): Whhhaaattt?
My husband: I’m so glad you’re mine.
Me: (disbelief still firmly in place) Dude, shut up.
My husband: I love you.
Me: (with a big sigh, hiding under the covers) I’m not sure I believe you.
As I look at this conversation in print, I’m embarrassed and appalled. I might try to blame first-thing-in-the-morning-itis, but the truth is, this is an honest struggle for me. Despite the fact that my husband is truly and completely my best friend who I’ve been with for over twenty years and despite the fact that I know he does love me – he shows me every day with tangible actions; I struggle on a deep, hidden level to truly believe in that love, and that he does desire me, and is happy that I’m his.
This has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. And my struggle to feel attractive, adequate, desirable, worthy, and enough. Let’s call that bad wiring. Because this is the man who literally binds up my broken places on a daily basis, cooks and cleans more than most husbands I know, is infinitely patient beyond anyone I know, and who keeps the romance alive in our relationship enough to make our tween daughter make faces and flee the room. I am a truly blessed woman.
In the split second after I challenged the three loving sentences my husband spoke to me this morning, I realized I very often have the same reaction when God speaks to me.
God: Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves. (Song of Solomon 1:15 ESV)
Me: (with heavy disbelief and sarcasm): Whhhaaattt?
God: I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. (Isaiah 43: 2 & 4 MSG)
Me: (disbelief still firmly in place) Dude, shut up.
God: I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you. (Jeremiah 31:3 AMP)
Me: (with a big sigh, hiding under the covers) I’m not sure I believe you.
Again, this has nothing to do with the amazing, infinite God of the universe who loved me (loved us) enough to send his son to redeem his chosen ones, but everything to do with my struggle to feel worthy – and as if I must do something to earn and deserve this love. Head knowledge vs. heart knowledge. I believe. Lord, help my unbelief.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this, so on this day before Valentine’s Day – the day when the commercial big wigs have decided that we will celebrate being loved and being I love, I would like to speak this truth over my life and yours:
God loves you.
He cares for you. Is interested in you. Is invested in having a real, organic, active relationship with you. He loves you beyond measure and he knows your name. This has nothing to do with what you can earn or what you will do. It just is. Doubt, fear, and questions about self-worth may creep in – I know. But keep coming back to and never let go of the written declarations and the written promises that he has given us.
He loves us.
He loves me.
He loves you.
Let’s believe together in the truth of that.
Stop
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Rebekah, delighted to be your neighbor at FMF today! What a lovely reminder of God's love and by relating it to the conversation with your husband, it becomes all the more tangible. I was really struggling with insecurity today and your concluding paragraphs brought me right back to the place my security is found - in Him. Thank you and Happy Valentines Day! ♥
ReplyDeleteOkay this is the second time you have made me cry today. Like you I struggle to truely trust that He loves me. That He wants to bless me. I believe that He can do it. I believe that He will do it. But my belief is for others not for myself. Thank you reminding me the He does love me....yes even me.
ReplyDeleteYES! YES! YES! Beautiful, truthful words. I too have a hard time accepting my husband's compliments. Thank you for helping me to see again how God sees me.
ReplyDeleteJust beautiful! So well said for many of us. Grateful you penned your words & clicked publish! May you all have a most Happy Valentine's Day!
ReplyDeletedear sweet friend
ReplyDeleteThis resonates more than you can know. I wage a fierce battle with self - loathing. I do not have a husband who speaks truth to me but rather friends who see my heart and yet it is next to impossible for me to believe them. God's love continues to be something I struggle with because so often my eyes are open to my gearing faults and a disbelief that he could love even me. I also echo the statement "Lord help my unbelief"
Oh how I love this... and you... and Shawn and how he loves you, too! <3
ReplyDelete