Thursday, September 12, 2013

Five Minute Friday - Mercy

Five Minute FridayWriting again this week with Lisa Jo Baker and the Five Minute Friday Crew. This blessed, beautiful place where we open our hearts and let words and tears and the inner workings of our lives bleed and flow and dance across the virtual pages. Yes, this community opens wide and invites you in to share. Come and visit and read. You will be blessed.

This Week: Mercy

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I feel like I have been fighting with weakness all my life. You’ve heard me say that before – how this is hard for me. How I hate the weaknesses that I see in myself. How I have struggled to accept imperfections and see flaws as fatal features. Even when I know it’s okay, I do not easily open up or let down my guard. All the time, I must be held together, put together, in one precise piece. It’s like a terrifying balancing act that I both embrace and ignore. It worked for a while. I was the oldest. I was organized. After a brief stint of not having it together, I turned it around and had it freakishly together in school. Everything was rolling along. And beneath the cover of togetherness was a roiling fury of terror at being discovered that it was not all actually together.

My cover broke in a hard way – as trust was smashed to pieces and everything I thought was strong was shattered and my faith in God and His church was rocked to the core. Everything spilled through the torn places and I entered the first dark place in my life.

In this dark place, I hid away from God. I disavowed the fellowship of His people. I saw no one.


photo by Karpati Gabor
All I could see was emptiness and brokenness and weakness, and I did not know what to do with it or how to handle it. God had always been a God of light and praise. A God of the good times and gentle places. A God of strength and might. The God I knew did not go into darkness. The God I knew did not deal in weakness.

Curious that when I began to long for God, I found my way back to Him through the most structured, formal church I could find. I thought that if I hid behind solemn liturgy (the opposite of where I’d been before) I might find a fraction of what I’d lost. I had no expectations.

And had no idea that it would be the chanted acclamation of Kyrie eleison that would pierce through the shell of my soul that morning. How the echo of Lord have Mercy, Christ have Mercy would resound in my heart and become the awakening of my spirit to an understanding that it was the weakness I despised that allowed Him to move in me and through me.

It was not my togetherness that God wanted. It was not my organization, or my strength, or my determination. Or any of those other things that I had carried and cultivated for so long and with such careful precision. It was my weakness, my brokenness, and my surrendered spirit. Given in trust into His loving hands. For His healing. For His kingdom.

kyrie eleison
christe eleison


His mercy made me whole.
It still does.

Stop

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13 comments :

  1. Oh what a blessing - we are neighbors! I love the telling of your story in this post. It really is lovely, like you, and there is deep meaning in your words. Thank you.

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    1. It's good to be neighbors! And I always appreciate your encouragement!

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  2. Looks like we are neighbors again! What a beautiful story of allowing God's mercy to penetrate your heart. I remember a time too when I wrestled with His mercy, sure that people like me, people who KNEW and left and then wanted to come back, didn't qualify. Oh, how glad I am that I was wrong about that one! What a great and merciful God!

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    1. Love it when I wind up near similar faces again. Very much with you in gratefulness to a God of mercy and love!

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  3. there is something deeply beautiful in ritual and light.

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    1. Yes - it was the ritual that brought me back into grace. And though we're not at a liturgical church now, I do keep a book of the hours and return to that all the time.

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  4. Beautiful words...such truth here. He wants our brokenness, our weakness, our surrender...given to Him fully. Then He can pour that mercy on so freely. Love your heart, friend. Thank you for this. :)

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    1. It's a tough road sometimes - realizing that we need to come in brokenness. But so worth it - and so much grace awaiting when we do! Thanks Mel!

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  5. I love how things like old hymns and liturgy come absolutely ALIVE when combined with the Holy Spirit and a soft heart. God is so sweet to meet us right where we need Him. I so appreciate this post. (Stopping by belatedly from FMF - ALSO - looks like we're in the same (in)courager group. Excited about that!)

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    1. So glad you did. Looking forward to being in the new writing group with you this fall!

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  6. Rebekah,

    If you ever find yourself in the mood for a wonderful formal liturgical experience on a Sunday afternoon. There is a traditional Latin Mass at 5:00 p.m. at Saints Peter and Paul Catholic Church in Tacoma. I can even let you borrow an extra Missal if you want to follow along with the prayers and readings.

    Dominus vobiscum

    David

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    1. I should point out that, while we have a Latin choir, the Mass itself is only spoken unless it is a Solemn High Mass.

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    2. Thank you for this. I might just have to take you up on this. It's been a long time since I've been to a liturgical service and I do miss it. We'll have to talk more!

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