Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Setbacks

There is nothing like the soaring, freeing feeling of getting better to make feeling worse, feel, well, worse. Three weeks into a combination of new medication that was promised to make a difference and I was actually feeling and seeing a difference.

The redness and swelling in my fingers was down. The swelling in my feet and ankles – while not altogether gone – was reduced enough to see that I actually still had ankles. I was able to put my shoes on – all by myself (as opposed to the contortionist circus act that my husband and I had almost perfected). I was walking without the dreaded cane. And when a friend stopped by over the weekend, I stood in the driveway chatting with her for at least twenty minutes. You have no idea how nearly impossible that would have been just a month ago.

Photo by Manic Morff
It started with just the touch of a cold. Kids go back to school and immediately everyone gets sick. Colds come home, and no matter how much hand washing goes on, families who love, cuddle, and get their snuggle on are going to trade germs. Which is fine. Until you’re taking meds that help, but in helping, give your immune system the strength of an off-brand paper towel in the Brawny commercial.

All I wanted today was to wear a different pair of pants and shoes that weren’t trainers. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve managed to get some cute ones: leopard print and black with sequins – but there are days when I am just so over flat shoes. I need to get over being over that. Though there isn’t much walking on my job, there were enough steps today that walking in heels made an impact. Not a good one. I could feel it from my hips down to my toes and realized that this pair of pants probably wasn’t worth it.

Then at the end of the day, all I wanted to do was go to the library. I haven’t been to this favorite spot in months. They’ve renovating, and I just had to see it. I gave in and took my cane – and told myself we’d only be there for a few moments. We were, but moments were all that it took. The pain had been mounting all day and somewhere between Gluten Free Girl and Eric Ripert my body threw in the towel and said “enough.”

Sheer stubbornness and fury held me upright as I took one tiny knife-edged step after another towards the center of the library that seemed five miles away to where my husband sat. “Time to go,” was all I could manage.

Throughout the past year I have been reading amazing writers and absorbing talk about joy in all circumstances; giving thanks in all things; and learning to be content with the process. Most of the time, I am able to live this out and utter sincere gratitude even in the hardest areas of my life.

Friends, I have to confess that it wasn’t gratitude, praise, or joy that passed my lips tonight. When I fall, I go down hard, and it was so much anger, frustrated cursing, and ill-compressed rage that was ground out through my teeth tonight. There are times I don’t understand the plan here. I can’t comprehend what God has for me to learn amidst this weakness and this pain. I wonder what the point of it all is.

And then I think about what I’ve learned of suffering that I didn’t know before. I think of how I view others in similar or, Lord forgive me, even more difficult circumstances than I’m in. I used to be so proud of my strength, that I didn’t understand what it meant to be weak. But having strength stripped away and replaced with the humility of pain and the necessity of leaning on others has helped me develop more compassion for those in need.

My heart has softened, along with my iron hard expectations, and I find myself able to look with kindness and patience where I used to be dismissive and demanding. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve got a long way to go. Read enough of my Facebook posts about the sometime exasperations of my job and you’ll know just what I mean.

But I hope that I am listening and learning; that I am leaning in close and being quiet in spirit – even in the hard times – so that the Holy Spirit can whisper the lessons that I need to hear. I pray that my heart will continue to soften towards those who struggle and that I will be able to feel their pain in my own.  I pray that as I continue to be broken and healed as God moves in me – both physically and spiritually – that this brokenness will point its way to redemption and the One who was broken for us all.

10 comments :

  1. Oh sweet Rebekah! I am praying today for all of these things you've requested... and coming into agreement with those unspoken requests as well! I am sorry you are having to battle this - but I am oh so thankful that you are willing to share the journey - to be honest about the bad days as well as the good ones! Praying comfort, healing, and a supernatural (more Bounty like, less Off Brand like) immune system through out the coming season!

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    1. Thank you for standing with me in this. I am humbled and blessed by your grace and the friendship we are growing. It's going to be wonderful to have this inRL as well. There might be tears. Actually, I'm pretty sure there will be.

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  2. Rebekah, you are an inspiration. So willing to share your pain, your struggles with all of us. I will be praying for you, speaking health and life to your body, asking God to do what only He can do. Hugs!

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    1. Barbie, you are just so kind. I don't feel inspirational at all. Just terribly human and in need of a very great God. So grateful for that. And for all the friends He has brought my way through this adventure in writing.

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  3. Oh friend, love you and thank you for sharing the hard times, and being brave, thank you! Praying for you!!!

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  4. O holy Lord, Father almighty and eternal God, send Thy holy Angel from heaven to watch over, cherish, protect, visit, comfort, and guard Rebekah and her family. I ask this through Christ our Lord who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, forever and ever. Amen

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    1. You realize, of course, that this kindness may prevent me from answering the phone since I will now be crying behind my screen. My email says more. But I am so grateful for these words and your presence in the office.

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  5. Oh, Honey. I needed to read this today. Not because I can't walk, but because I had such unexplainable and painful, well, pain. And it ruined my mood big time. May God continue to open both our ears and soften both our hearts to His will!

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  6. I've been tying to run the past couple weeks, even though it sets my shins on fire and I know I am really not doing them any good. I tried to explain to my daughters the need for me conquer running, possibly at the risk of permanent damage; that it galls me that I can't do the thing that babies do right after learning to walk. I am stubborn and self-strong and proud, and I want to be able to DO. Do whatever I set my mind to do, with no restrictions, just to prove I can. Well, yesterday I did nothing but sit on little wooden chair and catch up on computer work, and go up and down stairs a couple times...and somehow, from that, I've hurt my left hip so that I can barely walk. What!! So I'm now limping around like I'm 80 instead of half that, and I'm mad!!! I can muscle my way through a lot of things, but a day on my bum brings me down?!

    All this to say...I understand the frustration of being hobbled, and not always physically. I, too, am bullheaded and opinionated and impatient, and, rebellious child that I am, when God says, "Apart from me you can do nothing," my gut reaction is apt to be, "Oh, yeah?"

    But my pain is not chronic, and I do pray that, Lord, You would relieve her of this burden, but even more, that You'll be her support to lean on, and walk with her to be an ever-present source of encouragement and strength. We may not like being laid out flat, God, but at least when we are, You've got a captive audience.

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Thank you for the kindess of your comment. I pray your patience with the word verification. I've had such troubles with spammers lately. Thank you for grace. I look forward to reading all the comments and responding. I appreciate you!