Thursday, March 13, 2014

Five Minute Friday - Crowd

Five Minute FridayOn Fridays a bunch of brave writers gather here to all spend 5 collective minutes writing on a single prompt. It’s a great way to catch your breath at the end of a long week. This blessed, beautiful place where we open our hearts and let words and tears and the inner workings of our lives bleed and flow and dance across the virtual pages. Yes, this community opens wide and invites you in to share. Come and visit and read. You will be blessed.

This week: Crowd

Go

Hi. My name is Rebekah. I’m an INFJ.

I’m going to lead with that – especially the “I” part, because I’ve had it mentioned to me on more than one occasion that I may appear more social, conversational, and dare I say – extroverted – in print than I am in real life. The “I” in that string – for those not familiar with the ubiquitous Meyers-Briggs personality test – stands for introvert. Contrary to a sometimes popular belief, introverts are not always shy. We often are, but on a very simple level, being an introvert has much more to do with where you draw your energy from: being alone, or being with people.

Crowds stress me out. They suck the life out of me. They do anything but give me energy. And by crowd, I can sometimes mean: company in my home, more than three people – even if I have invited them there. On purpose.

Over the years, I’ve learned to balance this part of my personality. I function just fine in the world – I move in and out of crowded spaces – and unless you really, really (really) know me, you probably won’t notice when I start to fray a little around the edges. But I don’t generally put myself in really crowded spaces, full of new people, with unknown layouts, where lots of surprises can occur – if it all possible.

Except for this past weekend where I did.


A couple of months ago while chatting with friends on Twitter, I threw it out there that we should get our One Word necklaces together for a photo. That led to the discovery that several of them were planning on attending the third annual Faith and Culture Writers conference in Oregon in March. It was really too good of a deal. The price was right and it was close to home. I was in.

And then I realized what “in” was going to mean. I was going to see people. They were going to see me. That’s when I started having a moment of panic. I’d like to be able to say that I’ve moved past the point where appearances mean nothing to me; that I look purely at the inside; that it’s inner beauty that counts. Generally, I think I can say that for anyone else that I meet. I just can’t say that for myself.

It’s an odd paradox – mainly because I don’t acknowledge it or think about it if I can help it. I feel well loved by my God, my family, and my husband. I know I have talents to offer and things that I’m good at. I’m comfortable and confident in who I am as a person. As long as we’re not talking about what I look like.  Let’s just not talk about that at all. Ever. *

You don’t look in the mirror and see your inner beauty. You don’t see the things you’re good at. So I don’t see a reflection of a good writer, a designer with a sense of color and space. I don’t see a computer technician who can banish viruses and malware off computers and make people’s lives easier. I don’t see a creative gardener, good cook, or gentle mother. I don’t see anything of these things that I know I am.

I just see a mess. The size I don’t want to be. The face I’m afraid to bring into full view in selfies. The hair that I hate because it’s too thin. The swollen joints and perpetual limp now that chronic disease has set in. There is nothing here that I want to see twice. And I usually convince myself that no one else does either. Never mind that I have kind souls for friends who are so quick, sincere, and adamant to tell me otherwise. I don’t know how to hear them. I just see an ugly mess.

But that’s all I had to take to the conference. Just me. No time for diet, surgery, or a miracle visit from Tim Gunn.  So when I walked into the crowded church on Friday night – full to the brim with amazing, interesting people I couldn’t wait to hear and meet – I was both excited and terrified out of my mind. This crowd was supposed to be my tribe. Writers. Faith chasers. Truth tellers. But what if they took one look at me and laughed? What if they turned away and didn’t see me?

In some ways, this past weekend was an exercise in redemption for me. No one in the crowd laughed. No one turned away. Friends I had written with online for over a year-and-a-half saved seats and drifted down staircases to say hello. Warm hugs enveloped me. My Twitter feed exploded with demands of “where are you? I can’t wait to see you?” In one instance – one of my favorite memories – my friend Marcy and I (who, again, had ever met) connected via Twitter in the main room, looked up eagerly scanning for each other, and then raced through the crowded tables to fling ourselves into each other’s arms in a long hug. I need you to hear me say that this happened over, and over, and over again. I got to connect with a speaker and author who had impressed me so much on Friday night – I finally worked up the nerve to say hello. And he chatted with me so freely and generously as though he had all the time in the world. Even the one author that I missed – and had wanted to desperately to see – she sent me a Tweet saying, “I had an eye out for you. Sorry I missed you.” I was seen. From the inside out.

This crowd of creative and fellow writers enveloped me this past weekend. They encouraged me, uplifted me, and inspired me. I made brand new friends, and connected in real life with ones that I had been waiting to meet for months.

Sometimes the crowd can be an exhausting drain. But the right one? The right mix of people, interest, and intention? And it’s like a long, healing soak in a hot spring.  I’m not running off to another crowded convention any time soon, but for the right one? You bet I’m going to be there.

Stay tuned for more reflections from the Faith and Culture 2014 Writing Conference

Stop

*To be fair and stick with the rules, I need to add this here. I’m trying to be better about timing myself on these writes. So this is where five minutes ended tonight. But this post has been percolating for a while, so I’m gonna keep going. I hope you’ll read the whole thing.







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29 comments :

  1. Beautiful!!! My heart needed this tonight!!

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    1. Ashley - I'm so glad. This one is all about brave and grace - I'm so glad you're here to share it.

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  2. Girl, you're GORGEOUS! I'm so, so, so glad that we got to meet in person! That you stepped away from the "I" and into the 'us". Love you, lady!

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    1. So the part where I said, "I have kind souls for friends who are so quick, sincere, and adamant to tell me otherwise." Girl, you are one of them. So glad to be in the circle with all you writing sisters. Here and in real life too. Much love.

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  3. I'm so glad you got to connect with some many friends at the conference! And I totally understand the pain of being in crowds and being an introvert and struggling to accept myself exactly as I am--God's work in progress. Thank you for your brave words tonight!

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    1. Anita, thank you for your sweet words - here and via #fmfpartysnailmail. It's so good when other friends really get this. And I know you all do. Praying that I continue to be open to being a work in progress in His hands.

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  4. I can so relate to feeling overwhelmed with a crowd in my house...even when I invite them. Beautiful post

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    1. Paula - thank you for stopping by! Isn't it funny how even the ones we love and invite in can bring out that "overwhelmed" feeling. Those are times I am so thankful for grace.

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  5. I'm so glad you had such a great experience at the conference! I, too, am a well-disguised "I" personality. I'd love to meet you in person one day, Rebekah!

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    1. We're going to do it Kim. I'm confident that it will happen. So much wonderful connection happening here until that day. Thank you for the encouragement!

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  6. I loved this post...i can feel this way too..you know Heaven will be a crowd..a crowd of love and all those insecurities won't ever be thought of again...no need for diets, make up or conditioner..you got a glimpse of Heaven :)

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    1. Bless you Summer - that is something to look forward to, isn't it? There are days I am ready for it now, but it is all in His perfect timing. And there is so much to do here until then. And so many more wonderful friends to meet and connect with in real life. Hope we'll get a chance to someday as well!

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  7. Your post makes my heart happy. I was delighted to see you sitting next to me in the group session. On the inside, my spirit danced. I hope you felt it as I greeted you. So glad we became inrl sisters at the conference. Bless you beauty!

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    1. Sweet friend - you don't know how thrilled (and how nervous) I was to sit down next to you at the mentor meeting. You and all your fabulous red and grey style! But then you turned and laid your hand on my arm and with eyes lit up so warmly, smiled and said, "heeeey! I know you!" It was so good to connect in person and establish our friendship in real life - love being inRL sisters! Thank you for your encouragement here.

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  8. I love this friend... and you... and I am so glad we got to spend some of the conference time together... and who doesn't love a little quiet corner in a coffee shop with the fam to wrap things up, right?

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    1. Seeing you - and getting to spend more than 30 seconds with your sweetie - SO nice! I'm glad we had that time tucked away in the coffee shop. We enjoyed it so much. You are my biggest cheerleader and always speak life and love and His words to me. Bless you girl!

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  9. I'm an INFP, who's learned to wear an "E." But I'm easily overwhelmed, too. Especially when my kids and grandgirls are all here. I'm glad you stepped into the crowd and were seen. And loved. :)

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Sandra - a fellow "I." I appreciate the encouragement. I peeked over at your blog and can't wait to get back and read more!

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  10. Fellow INFJ's unite. I feel you and this post in so many ways. I know how it feels to not see the things you know in your mind are there. The good things your eyes have a hard time finding. I know it so well. But friend, you are such a gift to know. Online with your brave sharing of words and in real life with your tender heart. I am so glad to have met you in real life. I really wish I'd had many more hours with you and Karrilee. I'd see you guys already seated across the room after the speaker started. But even though we didn't get to hang as much as I'd have liked, I'm so glad you felt seen and known and wanted at this conference. And I'm so glad you didn't stop at 5 minutes. These things need saying. Love you, brave friend.

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    1. Alia, you have been such an encourager - and dare I say mentor - since I found this (in)courage community. You have always had time for my questions; never laughed meanly at my frantic OMG what did I do moments; always responded to my inquiries with such generosity and wisdom. You do it again here. I know - every time I've met an online friend inRL I feel so greedy because all I want is more time. But I'm learning to appreciate even the small moments and the very fact that we get to say hello in real life. It just makes the rest of the relationship that much better. So hugs again, and thank you for all you do. Love you back.

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  11. My only regret from last weekend is not meeting more people...I haven't taken the official Myers-Briggs test, but I suspect I'm INFJ. You put voice to what many people feel here, and even the initial thrill of saying "yes" to the conference and then, "Wait. What did I just do?". I get it! Maybe next year, I'll have a better plan for reaching out of my comfort zone!

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  12. Rebekah, connecting with you was one of the highlights of my weekend. I'm so glad that you took the risk and brought the complete gift of yourself and your presence to the conference. We were all blessed for it! You are a beautiful creation, and God is up to some good things through you, friend. Sending much love...so excited for the day I'll see you again in person!

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  13. I can so relate. I'm glad you finally broke through your comfort zone.

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  14. So, so, so glad that you stepped out and went to this conference! Grateful for our Father who provided exactly what you needed. I'm looking forward to the same experience this fall at Allume.

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  15. As a fellow introvert, I can relate! Good for you for going, facing your fears and stepping into the crowd.

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  16. Funny how so many of us are introverts. I love that you were so brave and took off the "I" label to make and be encouraged. Love you sweetie and can't wait until the day I get to give you a great big hug.

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  17. Hi Rebekah- I am a new subscriber- and I can totally see why I subscribed after reading this post- we are so similar it's funny. I found myself agreeing with everything you said.
    I look forward to being a part of your blogging community from now on.
    Many blessings from New Zealand,
    Mary.

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  18. I'm normally pretty social. I've never been to a writing conference and my fear is that those I have grown to know and love on line won't like the real me. But, since I strive to be real in my writing, I would hope that is what they see when I finally get to hug those many necks I long to hug!

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  19. Thank you for your post about the conference. You are a marvel! Love, Auntie Patti

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Thank you for the kindess of your comment. I pray your patience with the word verification. I've had such troubles with spammers lately. Thank you for grace. I look forward to reading all the comments and responding. I appreciate you!