This Week: Present
It’s not what I want, but it’s what I have to deal with. It’s better than what I’ve walked through, and I’m grateful for that. We’ve talked so much about it this week, it seems. These wonderful women that I write with and blog with. These online friends that I’m discovering through (in)courage and Allume and the Five Minute Fridays (that begin on Thursday nights). We’ve been talking about contentment, and wrestling with what we have; not contending for what we want; being centered in this very moment and being thankful right here and now.
I wish that my discontent was just situational. I wish that my discomfort was just in my circumstance. I don’t know why, but somehow I think it would be easier to bear.
The idea that if my cross to bear was an internal wrestling with my soul; my ego; my spirit. Why? Do I think that would be more manageable?
Yes. The very cry of “oh, God, yes” almost rips itself out of my throat and I’m hoarse with salt tears that I choke back on a daily basis because of this here and now and where it has me mired.
I read about them running and exercising – just for fun. Running – after their children, up and down the hall, around the playground, just for fun. Running – errands and off to Starbucks, just for fun.
And I’m standing here – but not for longer than five minutes, because that’s about when my body starts to give out. There is no running. There is walking. But just barely. Enough to get around the house and in to work. And I think – it’s a good thing I’m not going anywhere anyone can see me anytime soon. Yes. That’s what I really do think.
And all the while, I’m trying to figure out what it is that He has in this for me to learn. What it is that I’m supposed to grasp in my present circumstance that I couldn’t learn just as well without the pain and with the ability to walk around the corner.
There are so many lessons to be learned. But I think most basic one that I need to seat firmly in my heart is that this is not my home. As beautiful and as wonderful as this world can be, this is not my final destination. I am as temporary here as a flower coming to life under the sun. I will have my moment, and then I will be gone. But unlike the flower, I will be passing on to a greater tomorrow. No more tears. No more pain. When we see Jesus face to face.
Until then, I need to give thanks for what I do have.
I could have so much less.
Others have so much less.
And thanksgiving precedes the miracle.
You'll have to forgive me. This is far more personal and raw than I expected tonight. I almost ripped it out and started over, but I've committed to honesty and transparency here, so I'm just going to have to take a chance with this. And hope for grace.
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