Goodbye to You – Leaving the Desert

I am at the end of the desert again. It hardly seems possible. I feel like it was just two days ago I was desperately seeking encouragement from fellow writers for the unthinkable undertaking – wondering if it would be possible; wondering if this was something I could accomplish; feeling so much like He was guiding me in this direction; yet letting all my doubts and fears flow over me like water over polished rocks. Thank you for coming alongside with me.

This experiment of words, this retelling and recounting of the desert journey – it stripped me bare again. With over twenty-two thousand words I unfolded myself like I never thought possible to an audience that may or may not see this. I trust God to guide the readers here who need to see these words. And I am left with a similar feeling as before – when it was time to walk out of the desert.

I am not sure if I am ready to leave.

That may seem a strange thing – coming from a thirsty, tired, worn out desert wanderer. But here’s some of what echoes back to me from that time:

in quiet moments
i learned to love the desert.
found grace in the desert.
found the heart of my God in the desert.
found the voice that spoke to my soul
in times of need
and painful want.

there is so much want.
i want. we want. she wants.

i want to divest myself of all the wants
and simply be.

to discover the purity of
my mitochondrial existence
that comes
when want dies
when i die
when it is no longer i who live.

surrender

it's that simple.
so simple.
letting go.

There is truth in this: things are simpler in the desert. When everything is ripped away and you are left with barely necessities in your hands – and hands holding family – when you literally look to God for your daily bread and daily breath, your communion with Him is tight and close and your walk is intimate. You are at your Father’s feet and in His presence with every inhale and exhale – seeking His face and His will as you make your way through plains and passages; placing one foot in front of the other; just moving forward. When you come to the edge; standing there looking out into the rest of the world – full of promise and bright fulfillment – it’s hard not to see it as clutter for a moment. Noise. Distraction. Necessary interference that comes between your heart and the heart of God. How will you hear Him without the stillness of the desert to focus and hone your listening skills? And then I remember again:

it is the desert
and the still small voice
in the midst of the storm
that will quiet me
and sustain me
through whatever's next on this passage.

Part of the desert journey is learning to listen. Part of that intimate fellowship is knowing His voice so keenly that you can discern it in and amongst the chatter and noise of the everyday outside the desert. Because we must leave. It is not our call to stay. Our call is to go and to tell. To share. It is the sharing of ourselves, of our tangle, of our messy, everyday stories that brought us into the desert and the ones we lived through in the desert – this is what we need to tell now. This is what I need to tell now. Because through the telling and the sharing and the revealing of our hearts and the work that He is doing in our hearts; His healing; His miracles; His grace – this is how the world will be changed.

This is part of my secret that I get to tell now. Now that you have read my words and heard my stories. I still haven’t given up hope that I can change the world. I don’t believe that it’s going to be in a large and mighty way – I don’t believe that’s my call. God knows me too well for that. He’s taking this desert walking woman with a passion for words and story and asking her to tell, share, and reveal in small moments and small ways. And somehow in His hands, this is going to change something. This is going to change everything.

It’s going to change my world.

I'd love to connect with you some more - stop on by the Three Bees Facebook Page or connect with me on Twitter @3BeesBlueBonnet. Want more in the 31 Days of Lessons in the Desert series? Just click here! During the 31 Days Challenge, I'll be using the hashtags #desertjourney and #inspirationalandfaith80 if you'd like to join in or follow along. Let's continue the conversation!